Letter #32

“In the darkest time, I have always believed, the light will shine.”
― Lailah Gifty Akita

My deepest fear when I was little was the dark. I felt nobody in my family understood my fear. I felt alone in this fear, so having a roommate like my ‘buela (grandmother) worked out perfectly. Before falling asleep we would have deep conversations. I would ask her about life and she would respond with her reflections. I miss her so much. She was truly my first best friend. She listened to me with unmeasurable love. I felt special in her eyes. When people would tell me that I was wise beyond my years I knew that it was because of my deep conversations with my grandmother. It was a gentle reminder that she lived within me.

However, she wasn’t my roommate forever. It was an adjustment to sleep alone in the dark as a teenager. My fear of the dark had not left me, yet. My coping mechanism was to stare at the small glimmers of light that would peer through the cracks of my windows or doors. My passion for reading and writing grew during these long, dark nights. I would read or write until I was exhausted, eventually falling asleep.

Here I am in the dark again. Only this time my darkness has a name I wish I never knew. Hello Depression, I’m Lisa.

I have a wonderful therapist and she has helped me ease into this phase of my life. It has been so challenging to hold it together. To be strong. To smile. To peel myself off the kitchen floor when the memories take over and the tears flow gently down my face.

I know that I have made some significant strides towards healing and being my own hero. I know that I will get better. I know this is temporary. She reminds me of all this every time we meet and I cannot express how much it helps me. I can cry now and be completely unapologetic. That’s considered growth, right?

Through this darkness I stopped looking for glimmers of light. Instead, I have learned to embrace the dark in all its beauty. Beauty because I am learning to trust myself. Trusting in my life decisions. Decisions I can be at peace with at the end of the day. I am slowly recognizing that light isn’t at the end of the tunnel. I am the light in the middle of this darkness. I know that I will shine bright enough that I will no longer be surrounded by darkness.

I will wait for that day…I will be patient. I am deserving of that moment. I know that all good things come to those who wait.

This is me waiting.