Letter #31

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
― Rumi

My life looks so different from a year ago. I run at least 3-5 times a week. I socialize and make a post. I meditate every morning. I smile when I get to work. I genuinely show appreciation to all those around me. I respond to texts. I answer phone calls. It looks independent. It looks like freedom. It looks like I have it all together.

However, what it feels like nobody else can see.  He warned me about me becoming lonely. His words echo in my mind like my favorite song on replay. I try to make them stop because I start to question my decisions. If I could miss so many red flags, how could I have made the right decision. Self-doubt destroys your every rational neuron responsible for decision making.

I tell myself these feelings are temporary. One day my life will be filled with joy. I won’t cry with the drop of the hat. I can read quotes and not let it rip me a part. I will be genuinely happy again. Happy. Happy within myself. I won’t wipe my tears off in the mornings before work. I will effortlessly get up and ease into my routines.

I fight so hard against myself to do what looks so easy.

Fighting against yourself is so hard.

I accept that something is off. That I am not me, yet. I know that God is working within me for a greater purpose. I have to trust the process. I have to believe that I bring beauty to this world. I don’t know where exactly. I see myself in a foggy mirror staring back. I know I’m there, but I just can’t see myself clearly.  

Maybe this is healing.

It’s not pretty. It’s not easy. It’s hard work. It requires consistency. It requires trust. Trust that life is figured out for me. All I need to do is feel and let go.
It requires grace…
I am learning to give myself grace. No, this is not where I thought I would have been a year ago.
Yet, I know deep within me that this is where I am supposed to be.

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