Letter #28

“It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you’ve known forever don’t see things the way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on.”
― Nicholas Sparks

2010-2011.
I was in my 2nd year of teaching.
As I reflect on that year, I overcame many challenges.
The loss of my grandmother.
I experienced my first breakup.
I felt like a failure in my career…I loved my students, but I still didn’t know what the heck I was doing.
10 years ago.

The years go by so quickly, but the days can sometimes feel so long.
10 years.

I knew what direction I wanted to take and who would be joining me in my journey. I committed myself to being the absolute best teacher. I committed to him. The person I wanted to die for…and I did.
When you truly love somebody…a divorce kills you. It’s a slow death you watch while standing on the sidelines…you see the pieces of a former version of yourself break away so that the more experienced version of yourself can emerge.
A decade.

It was a decade of waiting for another person to grow with me. I felt like I was at the corner waiting to turn right while he was still trying to find his keys to lock the door and leave the house. I waited with a smile, with patience, with grace, most importantly, with love.
I waited only to be walked all over. At that moment, I realized it was time to turn the corner alone and begin to love the journey ahead without him. The journey with myself.

I didn’t leave him with the hopes of finding somebody new or better or with money.
He was all my eyes could see.
He was all my body could feel.
He was all I wanted for the rest of my life.

I left him for a better me.
I deserved better and I am gently learning that only I can give myself what I deserve.

Whatever that may be…

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