Letter #27

“Don’t ever stop believing in your own personal transformation. It is still happening even on the days you may not realize it or feel like it.”
― Lalah Delia

Patience.

Timing.

Trusting.

I’m slowly losing patience waiting on the right timing and trusting that my life will take a sudden turn toward something better. Today I was hopeful to do something different, but instead the plans fell through and now I’m here telling myself, again, “things happen for a reason”…Do we just tell ourselves this to help ease the pain of disappointment?

I don’t know how much patience I have left in me to wait for something better. Tears just flow out of me like waterfall and I can’t make sense of what step I should take next because I expect for that next step to make me happy, again. Ignorance is bliss…I know I have so much to be grateful for in this very moment and knowing that I have so much makes me feel guilty for feeling so sad. I don’t know how I allowed for so much of my joy to be tied to him?

I silently repeat to myself:
Never again.
Never.
Again.

I hate that he turned things around to make himself the victim. I hate that he didn’t have the courage to confront me with the truth. I am utterly disappointed in those who chose to believe his lies. But then again, why do I care? I know who I am. His opinion along with anyone else’s does not define who I am.

I am kind.
I am beautiful, inside and out.
I am honest.
I am fearless.
I am a better me without you.

Patience, please come, sit with me and hold my hand until I’m better. I’m tired of being lonely. I was lonely married and I am lonely now. Although different loneliness, it still hurts.

These are the moments when I hold tight my trust in God. He knows my life’s timing and chooses who will walk this path with me. Through the tears I reflect on how oddly when I need to push through these feelings I am sitting alone in this new space that doesn’t feel like home.

**Inhale for 5**
**Exhale for 6**

Ok, I have to let these feeling flow through me. That’s what I’m working on. Allowing myself to feel. Truly feel.

Home is within me and not these four walls.
I am enough. Therefore, I am not lonely.
God’s timing is perfect and I needed to stay in tonight to write this letter to myself. I needed to be here to feel what I have been holding deep within my heart.
I will be patient. Patient with myself. Patient with figuring out what is next . I will try every door that God puts in front of me and if on my journey toward opening doors leads to dead ends I will accept it. It was not my path to follow. I will live and I will learn.

I am not starting over. I am starting with experience. Therefore, I will not harden my heart. I will remain soft so I can live in this moment…good or bad…I will live fully.

And this is how I pick myself up.