Letter #25

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time.
Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”
― Corrie Ten Boom

Anxiousness. I don’t wish that feeling on anybody. A good friend asked me what it felt like to experience anxiety. The only way I can describe anxiety is as follows:
It’s unexpected.
I can feel it, but nobody can see it.
I feel something in my throat start to tighten.
I have to take a deep breath until I can breathe normal…somewhat normal.  
I swallow a couple of times.
My heart begins to race.
My mind will either go completely blank or become flooded with thoughts, mostly they are irrational.
My entire body has a rush of coldness.
I want to articulate my thoughts, but I can’t even get one word out.
All of it happens all at once.
Nobody would even notice, which is the most challenging aspect of it. It’s in those moments of anxiousness that I just need somebody to hold my hand firmly until the feeling subsides…But the words can’t come out so instead I just cope and hold myself together until I can think like me again.

Anxiety is all new to me. I was always a person that worried, but I managed it. I knew how to self sooth since I was young. Lately, I can’t even recognize myself after I have these episodes.  The odd thing is that when I get anxious, I suddenly have a dull headache. I think it is because I bottle up my emotions until I can have a moment alone. A moment when I can be me. Where I can be in my rawest, unhappy, emotional self. When I’m alone it’s as if the flood gates have been opened so I feel all of the emotions I suppress. 

I feel like a light in me has dimmed. Deep inside I want to just give in to all my insecurities…I just want to be me again.
Love me again.

It’s in these dark moments that my faith in myself, in God gets challenged. Sometimes I don’t even know how I manage to get back to me. I do, though.

I let go to whatever thought or thoughts that stick to me.

Yesterday evening I went out to a birthday dinner of a great friend. I dressed up for me. I felt confident. Certain of who I am and embracing the woman I am becoming. Then, toward the end of dinner the conversation shifted into having kids before they were too old.

Then the irrational thoughts began to spring up in my head…
I’m 35.
I’m alone.
I’m starting over.
What am I going to do with my life?
Why couldn’t I keep a husband?
I don’t want to be alone.
I’m not ready to date.
I don’t want to feel rejection anymore.
I don’t want to rush.
Did I make a mistake by thinking I deserved more?
Was I selfish?
I’m not going to have a family.
Why didn’t I get that gift?

*Inhale…Exhale*

I held it together until I got to my car. I know I need to give myself some grace. And I did. I didn’t go to the small gathering afterwards. I drove home, I cried. Then, I let it go because I can’t live for the future. I have to accept my now.

My now.
It is full of possibility…not uncertainty.
What is meant for me, will come to me…when I am ready. No rush. No pressure. No expectations.

That’s one of the reasons why I got a divorce. I didn’t think it was right of me to have to demand what I wanted from him.

I deserve somebody who not only sees me for the queen I am, but treat me like one, especially when nobody is looking.

Therefore, I will wait for the person who will make me laugh all the time, dance with me until my feet hurt, but will also hold my hand when life gets tough and be there without demands.

I deserve that and so much more because I am worth everything beautiful in this life…In the meantime, I will work on making my life beautiful right now.

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