Letter #24

“I slept without a “good night,” I woke up without a “good morning,” and I can live without an “I am proud of you” because in the end we only have ourselves.”
– M. Sosa

Who am I when I’m alone and am I happy?

I have been asking myself this lately. After leaving a lonely marriage I found myself filling empty spaces with projects, puzzles, music, social media, learning a new language, book clubs, running, weekly cooking lessons, yoga, meeting up with people…to the point it became overwhelming. Exhausting. Regardless of the one million tasks going on in my life every minute of the day, when the quiet and stillness came so did my anxiety. My want for validation. My want to give love to one person. My want to share my space with somebody…

While I was married, no matter how lonely, I still had the chance to shower somebody with my love. Whether it was appreciated or not I was comfortable with settling and give something that comes natural to me. Love.

I know that my feelings when I am alone are not healthy. I know that I need to learn to love to be with myself. All of me. No fillers in between.

I think if I can learn to love the woman, I am becoming I can conquer anything. Because damn it, it so fucking challenging to be with yourself.

I want to learn to love myself just as much, if not more than, how I love others. My love is so deep for those I love. These past 9 years I loved him more than I loved myself…and he knew it. I expressed it to him on the evenings I just wanted to hold his hand after a long week at work…but he worked instead.

In the process of giving all of me I forgot to return the love to myself. The person in the mirror, the one I sit with now without him.

Nobody will love me more than what I love myself. So instead of finding something new to occupy my time, I will work on loving myself. In return, I hope to enjoy my company and that it brings me peace.

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