Letter #21

“I guess it’s going to have to hurt, I guess I’m going to have to cry, and let go of some things I’ve loved to get to the other side.
I guess it’s going to break me down, like falling when you try to fly.
Sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye.”
― Carrie Underwood

I am slowly learning that my destiny isn’t tied to you. I am also allowing myself to miss you. A year ago today I went for a run to be able to breathe. I went for a run to find a quiet place where I could listen to God. To be still with my broken heart. A year ago and it still hurts. You see before you left in October I still couldn’t articulate my feelings into words. Words that I wanted you to listen to with your heart. Maybe now that a year has passed you are open to listening.

I loved you with all my heart. You were the first of many things that were beautiful and precious. No other man will be able to have those “firsts” and that is what makes this ending so painful. I wanted you to have every first in my life. That’s why I married you, twice.

Thank you for loving me the best way you knew how to love. Even if it wasn’t the love I deserved, I know that you loved me. I forgive you for anything you hid from me. If I knew you just a bit, I know you hid it because you knew I would be disappointed and all you wanted to do was to not disappoint me. If I learned anything about being married, I learned that it is in our disappoints as a couple that we grew the most.

At the end of it all, I forgive you for being human. Most importantly, I forgive myself for not acting on my true emotions. I was so lonely in our marriage. A trip, the gifts, the flowers, none of those tangible things could replace the time I wanted from you. Time to love you. Time to make memories. Time to grow as a couple. Time to just be one.

I didn’t ask for a divorce so I could be free to love somebody else. I asked for a divorce because I needed to give myself an opportunity to live fully. I was ready to grow years ago. However, God knew that I wasn’t truly ready to pick myself up when my whole world would fall a part.

I am ready to move forward and figure out this version of myself. I’m ready to love myself more and be my own hero. I am truly ready to let go. I know you might not understand my perspective and it isn’t up to anybody to understand. I just hope you listened with your heart.

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