Letter #15

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”
― Leo Tolstoy

They tell me that I am going through the stages of grief. I haven’t brought myself to actually look them up. Knowing them won’t change my pain.

Although I felt grief when my grandmother passed away, THIS does not feel anywhere near grief. Her loss was painful and there will always be a void in my heart for her absence.

What I feel right now does not feel like grief. I feel this debilitating pain that only ripping my heart out and setting on a table to rest might help me catch my breath for moment. A divorce is grieving multiple aspects of your life and nobody asked if you were ready to endure the pain.

You grieve your home.
You grieve your life as a wife.
You grieve the you that left with them.
You grieve your plans that no longer exist.
You grieve a living person…your companion…your forever.

I had to love myself more and let go because he didn’t know how love me…and his lack of love causes me to feel a pain that isn’t grief.
I don’t know what would be the right word for this pain.

A pain I feel every day.

However, in the middle of this pain I find another fragment of my shattered soul and I gently put it in its place. That’s how I know that God holds my hand when I feel this so-called grief.

I wipe my tears – breathe – get back up and remind myself that this too shall pass.

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