Letter #14

“Broken vows are like broken mirrors.
They leave those who held to them bleeding and staring at fractured images of themselves.”
– Richard Paul Evans

He knew. He knew how many insecurities I had before him. Before I gave him my heart to have, to hold, to protect.

This love lesson has been so challenging to navigate. The amount of insecurities I had before have returned…They have returned now that I feel my youth has gone with him. The pain of choosing myself or the one I loved and hoped so much from has brought me to my knees with a sorrow that is indescribable.

There were moments in our marriage that were so precious. I held on to those precious moments tightly so that I could fill the empty space every evening I longed for him to be home with me. Nine years of that kind of strength wore me out. There were nights that a text message from him checking in on me brought me to tears in our half-filled bed. Tears because I wanted him there to hold me after a great day, but especially after a long day. I settled for this type of love because I would think back on those precious moments and I felt guilty asking God for anything more.

I am slowly learning how to forgive myself for not communicating exactly what I wanted.

I expected him to read between the lines when I would tell him I missed him.
When I would tell him, I loved him.
When I would tell him, I hated his job.
When I would tell him, I wanted him to ask for more days off so we could spend time together.
When I would get upset because we would argue over petty, insignificant things on his days off.

I am slowly learning how to forgive myself for not communicating exactly what I wanted.

I know that I deserve more. More than what he was willing to give me. Although I know this now, it still hurts to forgive myself. To forgive him.

With him I am letting go of many unfulfilled dreams, hopes, promises. Letting go of a lifetime together because I now know I deserve more.

If this is the pain of love, it is up to me to protect my heart from ever feeling this type of pain, again.  

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