Letter #12

“If you didn’t love him, this never would have happened. But you did.
And accepting that love and everything that followed it is part of letting it go.”
– Sarah Dessen

I am alone, but not lonely. I know that God is with me. I feel Him everywhere. I am not sure where I am being guided, but in this present moment I must trust Him.

I read a whole book this evening and I realized that I was trying too hard to hold on to him during these past 12 years. I was in love with the potential of him…potential I could only see. For that I am sorry and want to apologize to him. In this process I am learning how to let go when something/somebody doesn’t belong to me. It’s hard to let go when I loved so much. Our memories are like ghosts that show up everywhere I go. Nobody but me can see and feel them.

If I had to identify what was the most difficult task amid this whole process I would say letting go of our home, alone. He left with very few things…a bedroom set, dishes, his clothes, among other items.

However, I had to take down our wedding plates from the wall. Small, but so meaningful. I wish he knew how my heart broke into a million pieces over and over with every step of clearing out our house, alone. I did it in phases because honestly, there would come a point where I didn’t know how much more I could take. I wanted somebody to just save me. Save me from my pain. I didn’t know what to do with all of our tangible items that were in every room, closet and drawer. Emptying our home was so hard. Throwing away priceless mementos. That was painful. I don’t wish that pain on anybody. My heart didn’t deserve that kind of pain. Yes, I did ask for the divorce…I didn’t ask to be put in a position where I had to choose to love myself because he didn’t know how to love me. So, when somebody tells me, “you need to just let go, it’s done.” I wish I could hold their hand and let them feel my pain from that process…I don’t think they would tell me to let go. Instead, they would just sit with me and share my painful experience. It was never about the material items. It was about the love I poured into our life that was reflected in our home.

I did it, though…I let go of those items, so I could allow myself to close the door of what was once our home and open another that is leading me to my future.

It was in that process that I needed him the most.
Strange how he was everywhere and nowhere at the same time.