Letter #11

“When you initially forgive, it is like letting go of a hot iron.
There is initial pain and the scars will show, but you can start living again.”
― Stephen Richards

Tonight, I started cleaning. Cleaning is oddly therapeutic to me. As I was about to finish, I felt the knot in my throat…My emotions slowly creeping in.  I pause and just let them flow.

I tried my best to keep our house clean because I knew how orderly he was…I know that I was a bit of a mess when my work life got busy. Not dirty, just unorganized. This thought was followed by a series of questions that I was pushing to the back of my mind for the past 6 months. Tonight though, I will let it sit with me here…among all my feelings.

What did I do wrong?
Where did I let you down?
What could I have done better so you could love me more?

I was scared to ask him these questions, but I know that whatever the response I would grow. Instead of asking, I just bottled them up in a safe place within my heart to protect myself from answers I wasn’t ready to face. But tonight, I will reflect on them through my tears.

Maybe this journey is about growing without his responses to my many unexpressed and now unanswered questions. I trust that there are big plans for me in this life. I have to move forward and discover it without him by my side. The challenge is acceptance. Acceptance that he will not join me on this journey. Acceptance that we have separate lives now. Acceptance that we are no longer together.

I wanted to grow, together. I wanted to grow a family, together. I wanted to make our life beautiful, together.

However, I know this journey is teaching me how to let go of my plans and trust in God’s plan. Trust. It’s so hard for me to trust even myself in this phase of my life.

I only let it be hard for a moment, though…I am slowly letting go, so that I can grow on my own.

I forgive myself if I did something wrong.
I forgive myself if I let him down.
I loved with all my heart and for that I cannot be sorry.

I hope he is doing well and that his emotions don’t stop him from living a full life.

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