Letter #10

“When we think of the past it’s the beautiful things we pick out. We want to believe it was all like that.”
― Margaret Atwood

He shows up in the smallest of moments. It’s over on paper, but in my heart, there are still beautiful, yet painful moments that I can’t seem to let go. I read our message exchange over and over…I am still left with so many unanswered questions.
There is one that lingers in my mind.
How did he do it? What I mean is, how was he able to be so loving knowing that he was keeping so much from me?
We had a future waiting for us to explore…to share together…

I will share this small moment that just replays in my mind like a broken record. I hope that sharing it here I am able to accept it for what it was and let it go.

Barcelona, Spain
We were seated at a table outside under an umbrella. It was around 9 in the evening. The glow of the yellow street lights glimmered above setting a romantic atmosphere. We were laughing at how we were so tired of eating “pan con tomate” (bread with tomato)… He was holding my hand under the table. At that moment I snapped a mental picture and prayed for this moment be stored in my memory forever. I gave thanks to God for allowing me to be in a beautiful place with friends and most importantly, being loved by my husband. I thought to myself, what did I do in this life to be so lucky to have so much all at once?  

I wish he could’ve held on to those moments just as I did. Maybe things would be different today.

Now, I sit here with my morning coffee. I take a deep breath. I wipe my tears from my cheeks. I silently say the prayer I repeat the most, lately.

I trust in your direction with an open heart and open mind. Help me to have confidence in your guidance and direction even when I don’t know your plans for me. In my moments of weakness help me demonstrate what trust in You looks like.

I know I will be gifted with many more precious moments to keep in my heart forever. I know this is God’s plan and I will trust the timing of my life.

Barcelona, Spain

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