Letter #9

“Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom.”
– Marilyn Ferguson

So many “things” have been broken. So many “things” have changed…the warmth to coldness in our home, his looks toward me, mine towards him. His words toward me and my silence towards him. What was once genuine love and hope shifted to instilling fear. I know that was his way of trying to make me change my mind. His attempt at keeping us together. Fear. And there was where I knew he was being his authentic self. And there is where my heart broke, again. Seeing reality for what it is…slowly taking off the rose-colored glasses.  

I reached out to an attorney to get the guidance my mind could not piece together from multiple google searches. Because of my nature and transparency, I expressed it to him. This approach was my attempt to be on the same page, so we could make this easy on both of us.
My lesson: a divorce is never that simple.

He knew I wanted a divorce. However, it had not become real to him until I talked to an attorney.

TRANSPARENCY
Who recommended this attorney to you?
My inner voice: Why does that matter? I’m scared too.
A friend and my sister suggested one to ensure we get it done correctly.
My inner voice: I don’t even have to tell you. I’m doing it so we can end this together just like we started our lives together.

The details of what unfolded from that conversation are irrelevant now. However, what hurt the most was his attempt at instilling fear in me.
I hope your friend is there once you move on from this marriage [that she] will be there every step of the way. [She] can be there for you helping you overcome this when you’re alone.
My inner voice: THIS marriage…you mean OUR marriage. When you’re ALONE. I have been alone for 9 years, remember. You slowly prepared me to be alone and you never listened to me…really listened when I asked for moments together. I’m never alone.

I am scared. Not of the fear of being alone. I am scared of not being loved again.  The fear that what we had was the best I could do for myself and I was asking for too much. I wanted a genuine love for one another, for our well-being. I wanted the love we promised each other. I wanted the love that was going to carry us through troubled times.
My fear… is not having the love I give returned to me. My fear…is loving too deep, caring more than I care for myself. Being alone…that’s not my fear.
My lesson: I will always trust my inner voice. That is God’s gift to me. Clear out the noise of fear and trust in my inner voice.

I wish he could’ve cleared out the noise of fear and trusted his inner voice. God’s gift to all of us.