Letter #8

“Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger”
Sarah Evans

Tonight, I watched a series where the main character’s situation was a reflection of my own.

-Naïve to her lover’s infidelity
-Independent and chose not wallow in her pain
-Doesn’t know how to ask for help

I was filled with so many emotions at the end because her friends swooped in and helped her in the messiness of life’s painful moments. I took a moment to reflect on my own experience…I realized that without the people who surrounded me with love after he left, I don’t know if I would be ok.

Ok — that’s all I have felt lately.
Not excited. Not depressed. Just ok.

People tell me that being ok is good. However, to me…Ok sucks.

Being ok is living just to live.

Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful everyday I am able to wake up and live one more day, even if it is just ok.

I just get anxious and think, “Is this the new me? Just ok?”

I have experienced so many highs and lows throughout the day…and I am just left with feeling ok. I wonder if being ok means I am becoming numb…content…complacent.

I know I will feel better one day and I need to be patient through this healing process. If you only knew how much I have come to depend on myself. I am complete daily tasks that before would take me all week…I finish the laundry in one evening (wash, fold, put away) …I am making meals that are out of my comfort zone…I am working on being more mindful as I complete tedious tasks without little reminders or help. It looks as if I have my life together.

Everything is together but my emotions.  

No matter my emotions, I will get up every day, wipe my tears, and try again.
Even if it means feeling ok.

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