Letter #4

“Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.”
-Anonymous

March
There are moments in your life that will force you to make choices that will shift the trajectory of your path. Hard choices. Choices that some will support whole-heartedly. Choices that outsiders will not fully understand, but will respect. Choices that will remove people from your path because they are not in the pain with you, but more so in their own pain.

*Stop-Inhale for 5-Exhale for 6*

The alarm rang as usual and as usual he didn’t even twitch. I chose to ignore it because after all I am not his mother. He has to become responsible for his own alarm. Of course, 5 minutes later the same alarm is still going off so I just get up and swiped up to close out the app. In that very moment my life changed in an instant. Messages with another woman in a different app than the typical texting app.

Stop-Inhale for 5-Exhale for 6*

Choices. Do I continue to read this inappropriate thread just as I did when we were dating 10 years ago? I remember that moment like it was yesterday and it ended with a break up and a million apologies. This couldn’t be happening to me again…Why? Do I wake him up and demand a response? Do I wait until he is fully awake? Should I take a screenshot and send it to myself? Stop. Think. If I continue to read, I will not be able to erase it from my memory. I can’t believe this is happening.

I should wake him up.
My stomach sank and a strange feeling filled my throat. A feeling that comes and goes every now and then.

Ok, I can do this…God, give me the words to face this man I call my husband. Grant me the strength to respond and not react when he answers.

I woke him up and faced my reality. He reacted with silence. A blank stare that quickly shifted into a silent yes. What I feared most was happening. At that very moment I felt as if I was watching a train wreck about to happen and I was powerless at stopping it. I had so many questions, yet no voice. My soul shifted into neutral and my eyes filled up with tears.
I fought back the tears. His words from the past echoed in my head, “now you’re going to start crying.”
He begged for forgiveness as if to think that I’m sorry would somehow change our reality. Suddenly, the dreaded question followed: Do you want me to leave?

How do you ask your best friend, your companion of 9 years, your person to leave? Leaving wouldn’t change the choice he made. The choice that caused me to change the person I once was in this marriage. 

*Stop-inhale for 5-exhale for 6*

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